Trying To Keep The Faith
This will be one of the most difficult topics for me to discuss. It takes a great amount of courage to discuss this aspect of my life. As with every topic I discuss, I hope this one helps someone that may be able to relate.
There have been many times I felt like my prayers weren’t being received or heard. Sometimes life can become so painful we don’t know what else to say or do. I’m human. Sometimes I get discouraged. Sometimes I lose faith. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just meant to live in pain. “I’ve prayed. I’ve believed. What else am I supposed to do?”
Some of the most painful moments are surrounded by some form of loss. I lost my maternal grandfather and my father within four months of each other when I was only seven years old. At the age of 13, I watched my oldest brother take his last breath in Hospice. These three men left a void in my heart. I began to experience a hatred from my mother a child should never feel. The worst part about it was hearing “you know how she is.” Everyone made excuses for her actions.
I learned just because you’re a part of a family, it doesn’t mean they’ll have your back. My first harsh life lesson was being raped, at the age of 14, on April Fools Day, and having my mother and brother not believe me, having them curse me out and call me heartbreaking names. My brother even said “it’s people like you that get people killed.” I’ll never forget those words. When the truth was revealed, and I said “If you would’ve had the testing done, you would’ve seen I was telling the truth” my mother sarcastically said “Well I’m sorry if I hurt you.” My brother? He didn’t say much of anything. How could he say anything? He still associated with the guy that was responsible. Even after the truth was revealed, he continued to associate with him. This same brother had absolutely no problem taking my inheritance from me. My father left our home to me. My mother was still responsible for it since I was a minor. Somehow when she made him Power of Attorney as her health changed, they found a way to make sure my brother gets the house. I told this same hate filled mother “I forgive you. I don’t know why you were so hateful, but I forgive you.” These were the words I told her before she passed. I also watched her take her last breath. My brother became just another relative.
I’ve experienced homelessness. I’ve been divorced. After the divorce, I became a single mother that sacrificed beyond measure to make sure my children would not go without anything. It was at my darkest moments I realized just how much of a black sheep I was. I faced, and overcame, many painful life moments alone.
When it seems like you just can’t catch a break, hang in there. There may be something better in store. I remained on a job where I felt uncomfortable on a daily basis. I never realized the reason for the discomfort. I never realized it was partially self-inflicted pain. I remained on a job way longer than I should have. There was a great sense of relief, of peace, when I clocked out for the last time. The life experiences I’ve discussed are just a portion of the pain I’ve experienced. Somehow, I’m still here.
Not only am I writing with the hopes of inspiring and encouraging others, I’m writing to inspire and encourage myself. This is therapeutic for me. It’s helping me release so much hurt and stress I’ve kept deep inside for so many years. It’s helping me show others that may be in similar situations realize “you’re not alone.”
Don’t let the pain of life silence you. Your life story can help someone else.